The Kellen Project

More vaca photos...

2010-09-04T00:37:00.006-04:00

These lovely shots are of me, my mom, and Kellen at Shaker Village...We had a lovely afternoon there.

:-)

Vacation...

2010-09-04T00:02:00.003-04:00

Hi all,

Well I have to admit that I've been a failure of a blogger for a while now...so here goes. I really did wish for the kids to have something to remember childhood by...but my friend Annie's blog makes mine look like scribbled notes on the backs of mac and cheese boxes.

Let's see...Kellen is 4. Aidan is 11. I am 40.

I am learning how to be an energy healer; that's new.

I am working teaching at a school--also new.

I live in an intentional community where we try to be sustainable and green and supportive of each other emotionally, and I have decided that I'm healed from a bad divorce.

What else?

Kellen is in a new school, and I like it. Brian and I are kind of sort of working together regarding this school, and Aidan is in 6th grade, where he has different classes rather than one teacher. The kids are healing--all better soon--and we are moving on into this, whatever this is. I have a house with housemates and children and plants and a dog.

I want to hear your news...so send it...and love to all,

Linda

Starting Over

2010-02-11T21:56:00.002-05:00

Hi everyone, most of whom know I have not been posting:

I've decided that amidst my busy schedule it's important to post here for Kellen and Aidan. Rather than have this be about our lives too much, it will be about them...so people can keep up.

Currently we are in Alexandria, Va., enjoying snow and sun...The kids are happy and well-adjusted, and life is happy again after a divorce. Brian is happy in DC, and I am launching a new company...or two actually--one for free-lancing and one for greeting cards...Life is good.

Take care all!

Linda

Thanksgiving

2009-11-23T21:05:00.003-05:00

Hi all, It's been a while since I blogged here about our family...Much has changed, and we are all adjusting, healing, and attempting to create two families that support and nurture each other.

As Thanksgiving approaches, we have much about which to be happy including a new region to explore, gifts of the spirit, healing after divorce, new relationships, career changes, and the excitement of creating new homes. Brian and I are hoping to relocate to Arlington in the winter to help support Aidan in finding a better school. Even though we are going through with our divorce soon, we are learning to be friends and work together to provide caring support for our children.

To honor Thanksgiving and the joys of our shared world, and our creator, I've written some haiku to share. May all of you have wonderful Thanksgiving holidays.

In the field,
children play baseball;
the streetlamps come on.

At the table,
children study the
vocabulary of spirit.

Sleeping boys,
the sound of breath
rises and falls.

The language of home
speaks of lighted candles
on every windowsill.

Along darkened streets,
strands of light
shine from evergreens.

In the library
of our hearts:
democracy and education.

Loving Jesus
lief of stem and flower
all-white garden in moon.

Jesus’s name
Rescuing him from cliché
Summer rains, tea, his teachings.

Jesus’s birthday
The monastery sings with its throat
of heather and plum blossoms.

Back in DC after some blessed home time

2009-10-18T22:04:00.003-04:00

I wished to blog tonight to reaffirm my connection to this space and to my children. After a blessed six weeks of transitioning and home, life finds me back in DC building a new life for me and the children. Getting divorced can help people to change for the better...We are moving into a new space of transformation and healing together now as a family of three, and that feels reassuring.

I hope everyone has had an enjoyable fall. October in DC is not all that unlike New England in that the weather has been chilly lately, and the foliage has been majestic. I saw four red maples today that paralleled any Vermont field.

Work finds me busy with several projects, including two writing projects; three courses this semester; and spiritual expansion projects. It feels good to be working.

Kellen and Aidan and I are healing together, learning how to be in communication in a new way that reflects our growth. I am trying to remember that boys have special emotional lives and that learning about how to nurture them empowers them more than communicating out of old patterns. Releasing the old patterns is allowing new ones of healing to have room to grow.

In the garden of my heart, I am trying to grow more kindness. May everyone grow what they most need to feel nurtured, guided, and loved.

Burly, Home of My Spirit

2009-08-26T19:50:00.004-04:00

I have one more day in NH before I go to Burlington, the home of my entire being and spirit to be happy for three entire weeks of...Vermont!
The kids and Brian went back to DC today. I thought of them all day, driving through the freeways...traveling back into that cityscape.
I am at my mother's--and we all had fun with the kids this week. I am able to see my 87-year-old grandmother, which is a blessing. She loves to watch the birds, loves to watch nature...In some ways, we go back to simplicity at that age--as humans I think. It's lovely to see her. Every time I see her, I think about the sheer amazing-ness of her age.
Highlights of this trip: A day at the park with Kellen who made friends with Briar, whose mommy insisted we swap phone numbers. It was a very Linda's-old-life kind of day.

Two weeks with Ruth kayaking and sunning and swimming though the water was very cold, and I didn't get my dose of ocean swells until the very last day when the waters were record warm. I stayed in for an hour and didn't even flinch. The kids were full of life and love and excitement for boogie boarding and swimming and laughing. That memory is precious to me.

Seeing Aidan after his month away at camp and friends and New England. It was a long time.

Now, I'll spend just a few weeks here before the fall semester starts--late for me but not for this particular school where I'm teaching adjunct but full time. I won't post my pay--it would make you cringe, but it's full time; it's teaching, and I'm happy about it.

We signed a custody agreement, but I regret doing so because I thought it was temporary, but it's not. So I think I need a lawyer to overturn it all, and it's sad. It's time to get a lawyer. I spent the day researching and calling and figuring out. I thought I had one, but free consultations does not a lawyer make.

Give me advice; give me hope; give me some positivity and light in the comments section about this grim development. I don't like the whole lawyer-y thing.

May peace (eventually) fill all hearts including mine.

The Ocean

2009-08-11T11:00:00.001-04:00

I've been in NH for a few days, and it has been lovely.
My stepmother lives near the ocean, so I can run along the beach in the morning fog--as was the case this morning.
I felt alive--new--watching the waves come in while I ran and walked and ran...
Lately, I have so much time to myself--and it is healing though it's also an opportunity to reflect on my entire life, to study it, all laid out like sand.
Going forward--where will I end up--in what life? These are exciting questions even if difficult to face sometimes.
My dream is to launch my free-lance career--and then travel a lot to see the kids. I can't imagine living in DC, but I might have to...I at least will have a base there.
This next week, we will be spending time at my in-laws' beach house in Ocean Park, Maine, where we will indulge in family--beach time, kites, and the bright blue sky.

Missing the Boys

2009-07-15T15:19:00.002-04:00

I am missing the boys...
It's hard this getting divorced business.
Everyone seems to be doing OK, but it's hard not to see them every day.
I'm living in DC now, teaching summer school...
It's going well even if most of the people don't show. I have all girls, which is fun. Girl power. But so few attend. Today, I taught Hamlet to one person.
Alas, what can you do?
* * *
I have hopes for the boys though in this world, that this world can change, can be less egoic and more beneficial for all beings in the great watershed...Hopefully we can turn around climate change and eradicate war in the next century...Or at least stop the current wars and start a debate about religion that embraces all points of view on this shared planet.

Going to Church with the Boys

2009-07-12T14:52:00.003-04:00

We had a lovely morning, complete with a moving and serene service at the Unitarian church and a picnic afterward. We ate too many cookies but got a chance to engage in the beauty of the natural world there, with its labryinth-like and lovely landscaping, leading to a lovely greenhouse and garden complete with comfrey. Kellen and I enjoyed naming the plants and wandering amid the rows...

It was too short of a time, but it was nice. Aid's not feeling all that well, so he went home to go to bed.

May God's bounty shine on everyone.

Love, Linda

Back to Blogging

2009-07-10T08:56:00.002-04:00

Hi all, I haven't been blogging for a while as life has been busy...I was working two jobs and now am down to one, which is a blessing.

I hope everyone is doing well and enjoying light and love and summer. July is not as hot as I thought it would be in DC. We are all adjusting to life here now though it's sometimes too much of a big city for me. Vermont and New Hampshire still call to my spirit though I enjoy the cultural opportunities here.

Nothing is too new. The kids are fine. Brian and I are trying to learn how to navigate post-marriage waters. It's tough. I'm having a hard time finding a full time job and am thinking of unconventional solutions to solving my life. I am probably going back to Plum Village for a while--to work on matters of the spirit.

Aidan is starting to blossom at summer camp with new friends, and Kel is learning to talk...He may need speech therapy because his speech is still babylike, but I love it--His voice is liquid joy in all our lives, and he is a light to everyone he knows. At day care, he is a super star of light and love...I love seeing him sleeping during nap time when I go there to pick him up, all cute and cuddly and cozy and sleepy...And Aidan is really growing, thoughtful as usual, but too into the computer lately. I need to think of strategies for getting him back into life and away from technology a bit. Thoreau was right, somewhat about technology, I think, which is why I love Plum Village so much and would be honored to someday have the boys with me there.

Peace to everyone who reads this blog, Linda

Children are Wonderful

2009-06-17T09:38:00.003-04:00

And all I ever wanted in this life.
It's so odd now to be getting divorced...
And yet, the kids are adjusting better than me, I think.
:-)
Aidan is reading voraciously as usual--We visited the library, which is always like rain after a drought for the Whole Family because we all hear about it if he is out of books.
And Kellen is just busy being Kellen...so cute and sweet and full of wonder...To be 3 must be frustrating and beautiful and amazing.

Let the Interviews Begin

2009-06-17T09:33:00.001-04:00

I have two interviews for teaching jobs in the inner city this week.
And another in the making...
And a full time teaching professor gig opening thing at Loyola has opened...
So.
I may just get a Real Job soon after all.

On Becoming a Planner

2009-06-15T14:40:00.004-04:00

This weekend confirmed that I need to know this area a bit more without being so overwhelmed by the sprawling nature of Washington DC.
Those who know me well know that I need a GPS system badly.
I mean I truly Need One.
I can get lost easily on foot or in a car and have no sense of direction. Literally. I might be able to use the sun as a compass in the wild--but in the streets of DC, I just Can't Understand which way I need to go.
Consider the highway system here, poorly marked and also sprawling, and you have a recipe for Getting Lost.
* * *
I'm not really a pool person. I'm not a mall person. I'm not a drive around in your car person (anymore).
* * *
That means that with the kiddos in tow, I have to have solid plans about What to Do and where we are going. Gone are the days when I can just head out the front door, go to the community garden, head off on the T and go to the aquarium on a whim.
* * *
Now I need an Actual Car and Actual Directions and Actual Plans. It's daunting. I like to wake up, go get coffee at a coffee shop, and push the stroller down to the T...maybe head up to Harvard...maybe go to a musuem there. Maybe not. I also liked rural living: wake up, country store, gardening, maybe go strawberry picking. Maybe see a friend. Maybe a play date, the library, or ...
And now...I have to plan. Zoo. Museum. DC. Figure out how to get there via car. Without Brian, who was born with the best sense of direction I have ever seen.
Go figure!

Antonio Confirms that Life is a Simulation

2009-06-15T14:26:00.002-04:00

He is the smartest person I know about metaphysics.
Hmm...
I stumbled across this idea of life as a simluation the other day. Brian says that is what the matrix is all about.
True.
The makers of that movie were really into philosophy.
I still like to believe in the antiquated and righteous idea that we are all spiritual beings who are here learning, evolving, and growing with the ultimate goal to become one with the light and all that is. I guess that's a hindu belief somewhat, my friend from PV Mike told me. I need to read everything Thoreau read. He quotes the Vedas in Walden. Quotes liberally.
* * *
Brian and I had a great metaphysical conversation today. We talked about Christ and buddhism and the World as a Simulation idea. We agreed that Christ was amazing--absolutely the most powerful person to ever live. Brian said he felt Christ had an amazing ability (obviously) to connect to the divine...and that we all could do that potentially. We all could be miracle workers if our energies were in line with the purpose of the divine. The problem is that none of us is really Good Enough. We're so human. To work miracles, you have to let the light come through you, celebrate it utterly, and not doubt. You have to be the divine, I think. It's no wonder that few people in our human history have done this. Christ *is* amazing. I wish I could talk with him. For an afternoon. Imagine what you might say...what you might ask...I would want to know about his life, the purpose of the universe, and how to heal our planet.
* * *
I just got this quote in my inbox. It kind of matches the energy of this post. I suppose, really, this quote is more about the plight of our planet. It's from Naropa, from that program I really want to do. I would be taking courses in deep ecology. Finally! I should have done that in the *first* place. Sometimes it takes half a lifetime to wake up to your divine purpose.

"Two things are needed to guide our judgment and sustain our energies for the challenges ahead: a certain alarm at what is happening at present and a fascination with the future available to us if only we respond creatively to the urgencies of the present."

--Thomas Berry

On Friends and New Beginnings

2009-06-15T13:54:00.003-04:00

This year has been one of new beginnings for me...
So unexpected and strange...
A new surge into Thich Nhat Hanh's teachings and so many lessons in friendship and social responsibility.
It's funny that it took a divorce to really propel me forward.
I see now how wrong Brian and I were for each other at the end. My interests are metaphysical, and his are simply not. Mine are imaginative and expressive and his are not. We were happy once--a long long time ago.
And now we are learning to be happy as friends, which can be beautiful. I still feel, sometimes, that I need him--and I know I do as a co-parent and friend.
* * *
It is a very happy outcome, this one we are creating.
A few short months ago, it did not seem possible.
* * *
The world can sometimes be...workable. I lost a friend a year ago in Italia...a good friend. A solid connection. And then I regained that friendship, and it's stronger than ever. Reborn, reshaped, and reconfigured.
* * *
Maybe we can never truly lose anyone or anything--it's just an illusion that we do.

Weekend with the Kids

2009-06-12T18:31:00.002-04:00

We have some time together this weekend...
I'm trying to figure out what to do after sleeping in on Saturday...
Just enjoying each other seems important.
I am hoping for some time outdoors, in green spaces...to create some happy memory together.

A Poem on Meditation

2009-06-09T15:10:00.001-04:00

I wrote this poem to express my love for the divine...*This* is how meditating makes me feel. Such love.

I Could

I could compare you
to the sea, to mountains,
to the winds that shake the darling buds
of May. I could compare you
to perfection, prismed and
pulled through my body
as splintered light that
separates then gathers
then separates again. I could compare
you to every song
to all seven musical notes
to my spinning chakras.
I could hold you in words
and spin you around until
you resembled a gossamer web. I could
call to you in this poem
could use these words to prove
my love like a theorem. I could
tell you that every breath pulled
through my body refreshes itself
in yours, could tell you that
when I’m with you, I am sky
but I would be lying.
Because no words—
no syllables—
not even the oceans
could contain this love.

Naropa...A Healing Program

2009-06-09T14:54:00.003-04:00

I am definitely at a crossroads in my life...Though I love being a professor, I really want to give more back to my community in my professional life.

I am thinking that being a healer/psychologist might be a good match. This program looks wonderful:

http://www.naropa.edu/academics/graduate/psychology/tcp/ecoc/index.cfm

Food for thought...And it's low residency, so I could live here and attend.

The Journey of Becoming a Dual American-Italian Citizen, Take Two

2009-06-09T14:20:00.004-04:00

I love being Italian, but I tell you, when it comes to bureaucracy...
After the huge process of finally being recognized as an Italian citizen, I have to have all my paperwork transferred from Boston to DC before I can get my passport.
Sigh.
And this takes...three months.
Why...don't ask me...and...when I go back to France, I will have my EU passport. I guess I have to follow this paper trail a little longer.
I nearly cried when I first heard this news because I thought I'd have to Start Over (you have no idea the research and time and effort into this so far)...
But no. The file can be transferred.
It just takes a long time.
* * *
I'll have the passport by October.
If it kills me.
And it might.

The Concert!

2009-06-08T11:50:00.005-04:00

I am so lucky to have seen Snatam Kaur in concert on Saturday.
I've been listening to her for six months...loving her all through Europe and my journey in Cambridge, Mass...
Imagine my surprise and deilght when I found she was coming to Alexandria!
I took my soul out for the evening, and it was Pure Balm for my spirit.
The concert was at the Masonic Hall in Alexandria, and Brian said that even I (with my geographic learning disability) could not Miss it and get lost.
It was true...
The concert was held for peace worldwide--meant to send peace into the world.
It really did. Most everyone knew all the words--and we all sang along. For me, the concert was like one long meditation--several hours long. I hadn't had that privilege since Plum Village--to just resonate with those around me without need to Be with Anyone except myself and spirit.
Amazing.
It makes me wish I could make practicing peace my life--to live at Plum Village full time.
Here is the night's photo essay. My camera ran out of battery, but I tried to get some shots quickly as the camera slowly died!
Peace. Shanti shanti shanti.

Sometimes I'm Feeling Under, Sometimes I'm Feeling Down

2009-06-08T11:37:00.003-04:00

I remember the words of that song by the Black Eyed Peas, Where is the Love?
I haven't been too terribly down, but sometimes the State of the World Gets to Me.
Kelsang said to just be love and that's all you can do.
Yeah.
I'm fine, really, just a Tad Overwhelmed.
That old saying that sometimes God opens a window when he shuts a door is a nice thing to focus on.
I know this is true--and that all Souls Come to Earth to learn, evolve, and grow. My lessons just seem Especially Challenging Lately!
* * *
Here is the good news (to focus on the positive):

There are fresh chocolate chip cookies here today.
I get a four day weekend with the kids (though they are in school for two of them).
I feel a direct connection to spirituality.
I am moving to a lovely new home soon.
I am reversing my financial downward spiral slowly but surely.
I have beautiful children, a good education, and good friends.
Life, surely, could be Worse.

Kellen Growing Up Fast

2009-06-03T00:40:00.002-04:00

It's amazing, but he is Growing Up...
Aidan makes me so proud on a daily basis, reading classics and being such a sweet and thoughtful boy.
And Kellen does too--being his outgoing, sweet self.
I have been blessed with beautiful boys.
But Kel is growing up. His speech is evening out--and he is losing his "baby speech" somewhat.
He tells me how he is feeling--glad to see me or not sleepy or want to hold your hand.
"Mumma, you are here!" he said when I came home tonight.

Being Happy

2009-06-02T23:41:00.002-04:00

Being happy is a choice.
It's one to wake up and do every day.
My friend who is a monk says he is working to be peace and love so as to help, in his own way, the world.
It's inspiring to me.
* * *
A new friend just said to me that I exude peace.
I found this to be a bit ironic considering my current circumstances!
I try to be peaceful, to be peace.
But I fail all the time!
To hear this person call me peaceful was a true gift.

The Kids Are Awake

2009-06-02T23:13:00.003-04:00

It is late, and the kids are awake...
It is funny--perhaps both were waiting up for me.
Being with them is a blessing--and this Working Nights Stuff is hard because I miss them.
Divorce is hard because you tend to just miss being with them all the time.
It's hard to share them.
:-)
They were so happy to see me; it was just so sweet and warm and fuzzy.

Words on Friendship

2009-06-02T09:35:00.000-04:00

"If you sit with a friend and speak openly, determined to discover the roots of your suffering, eventually you will see them clearly. But if you keep your suffering to yourself, it might grow bigger every day. Just seeing the causes of your suffering lessens your burden. Shariputra, one of the Buddha's great disciples, said, "When something takes place, if we look at it deeply in the heart of reality, seeing its source and the food that nourishes it, we are already on the path of liberation." When we are able to identify our suffering and see its causes, we will have more peace and joy, and we are already on the path to liberation."

Zen Master Thich Nhat Hanh

Sleeping Children

2009-06-02T00:16:00.001-04:00

Are the closest things to angels.

Aidan is Reading

2009-05-31T20:47:00.003-04:00

As usual...the songbirds are still singing...
Darkness is coming on; the air has that summer feel about it.
I got a Real Live Letter from a friend in France (cant' remember the last time that happened), and I really enjoyed opening it with its pictures of another monastery in the south of France.
I'm reading David Sedaris. Laughing. Sitting by Kel's bedside, grateful to be here.

Today's Blessings

2009-05-31T20:45:00.001-04:00

Baby Beluga...
Thank goodness for Raffi, who is a musical genius. I never get tired of his songs whereas Wesing is hard to handle over and over again.
Baby Beluga has always been a signature song around here...
It's evening now; I'm singing and tucking in one happy 3-year-old and am just Happy to be Here tonight, in his room with him.

A Good Talk

2009-05-31T18:09:00.002-04:00

Brian and I had a good talk over watermelon.
We talked about the break-up, the present, and the future...
I am grieving, a bit, the end of the family unit.
We know that this new relationship--based on friendship between us--makes sense for us.
But there is a loss of the family unit...
That part is hard to adjust to...Beach outings are different now. There are three where there were four.

Our True Heritage

2009-05-29T12:20:00.001-04:00

by Thich Nhat Hanh

The cosmos is filled with precious gems.
I want to offer a handful of them to you this morning.
Each moment you are alive is a gem,
shining through and containing earth and sky,
water and clouds.

It needs you to breathe gently
for the miracles to be displayed.
Suddenly you hear the birds singing,
the pines chanting,
see the flowers blooming,
the blue sky,
the white clouds,
the smile and the marvelous look
of your beloved.

You, the richest person on Earth,
who have been going around begging for a living,
stop being the destitute child.
Come back and claim your heritage.
We should enjoy our happiness
and offer it to everyone.
Cherish this very moment.
Let go of the stream of distress
and embrace life fully in your arms.

The Taxi Driver from Afghanistan

2009-05-28T20:12:00.003-04:00

Today, I got all turned around as I can do and took the wrong metro line.
Yes.
Sigh.
I just was lost in thought and poetry.
* * *
So, running late, I decided to grab a taxi.
The taxi driver was from Kabul and had come here in 1985.
He said the same thing about my family being the true war zone (and I didn't even share my dream of doing relief work with him).
He said it was hard, his life. That he had a very high level of education. That he had had to leave everything behind. That he lost everything--a country. A culture.
Again, I felt incredibly lucky.
I said, "didn't Kabul used to be beautiful?" (I've read the Kite Runner). That is sad, too, that all I know of a country truly are some movies, newspaper accountings, and one beautiful book.
"Yes," he said. "The people used to be too."
* * *
Walking out into the station to pick up Brian's car and be lost some more (I so need a GPS system), I pondered on the Message from the Universe: Bring peace to your family. Be peace.
* * *
I'll try and try. And try some more--without reconciling because it isn't possible. Friendship. Deep friendship, that's my goal.

My New Roommate is Friend Material

2009-05-28T20:09:00.003-04:00

What a great relief that is.
She volunteers a lot for foster kids and seniors and is hooking me up with said volunteerism.
I need to start here, at home.

The Kids and I

2009-05-28T20:04:00.009-04:00

Are getting even closer in the midst of all this divorce stuff.
We were close before--but now I think we just Appreciate Each Other So Much. An incredible amount.
They are a blessing. Every minute of every day.

I Wish a Certain Monk Great Happiness and Love

2009-05-28T19:57:00.005-04:00

This monk does not cease to amaze me.
His example reminds me about how to live.
I gave him a gift as I left Plum Village, which I feared would be taken to be inappropriate somehow.
He wrote to me that "gifts are never inappropriate if they are given in the right spirit." In other words, gifts reflect peace and love and are always Good.
* * *
Today about my emailing him, he wrote, "You know that I do not have much time to respond, but when I do have the time I am happy to try to respond." He says, "If you wish to be closer to holy beings such as these [boddhisatvas] generate a pure motivation and practice love. This is the best way."
* * *
He is one of those people about whom I am Simply Happy. Happy he is in the world doing what he does.

Sometimes I'm an Idiot, but Many of you Know that By Now

2009-05-28T16:12:00.003-04:00

I love those lyrics from John Gorka, and they Apply to Me Today.
This Ph.D. in Creative Writing just figured out there are many low-residency Creative Writing programs in the country. Maybe some of them are looking for Creative Writing teachers?
The answer is "yep."
I'm an idiot sometimes.
Gotham needs instructors, and Wilkes does...and that's just the first two I googled. Real people emailed me back about my inquiries. The director at Wilkes actually *called* me back.

"Sometimes I'm an idiot,
but many of you know that by now
Sometimes I am not,
but this is not as clear somehow

So I go about my work
Making my mistakes out loud
Maybe everybody's failures
Are in earshot of the crowd

I'm sailing down to Panama
Gonna run across the isthmus
I had a heart for art's sake
But no stomach for the business

If I had a head for figures
I would be another guy
Instead of chopping up these onions
and trying not to cry."

Greg Greg the Devil Boy

2009-05-28T16:10:00.002-04:00

Thanks Greg for being in my life again.
It's Very Wonderful.
Just recalling you tell the "Greg Greg the Devil Boy" story makes me laugh out loud every time.
(For everyone else, Greg grew up in Utah, where being Catholic meant he was Different. While we were all being teased for eating paste or tripping over untied shoelaces, his classmates were calling him "Greg Greg the Devil Boy" for being Catholic instead of Mormon). Puts a perspective on things, doesn't it?

Feist

2009-05-28T15:28:00.001-04:00

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IcgfdtkcIW0

Slumber Party

2009-05-28T00:12:00.007-04:00

Erica and I are up late eating junk food in Various Forms, hanging, and talking.
We are planning to watch Heathers, the movie, and basically having a slumber party.
It's midnight...Erica is using Drano on her shower, and we are laughing at the Heathers coincidence (there is a Drano scene)...
Erica has a cute cat and a cute bird, and it is cheering me up to be here.
But I do miss being in the same house with Aidan and Kellen.
* * *
Elaine emailed today to remind me that my old job is available in Plattsburgh. I could do it and commute. I'd probably see the kids as much as now because I am working some nights. If I flew here every Thursday, it could work.
* * *
We shall see. The kids are everything to me. I can't imagine being in a different state four nights a week. Right now, I just want a magic wand to be waved--and things to be solved.
* * *
But back to slumber parties! Heathers awaits...I really wish to laugh. Really hard.

Work Dreams

2009-05-27T09:33:00.005-04:00

It's been a while since I had a work nightmare...but last night, I had one about teaching.

Introduction to Poetry
by Billy Collins

I ask them to take a poem
and hold it up to the light
like a color slide

or press an ear against its hive.

I say drop a mouse into a poem
and watch him probe his way out,

or walk inside the poem's room
and feel the walls for a light switch.

I want them to waterski
across the surface of a poem
waving at the author's name on the shore.

But all they want to do
is tie the poem to a chair with rope
and torture a confession out of it.

They begin beating it with a hose
to find out what it really means.

The Twelve Steps are Beautiful even if You are not an Alcoholic

2009-05-26T23:37:00.003-04:00

My friend Fred sent me the actual 12 steps, which are beautiful...He had given these to me once before because he finds them inspiring. I am not an alcoholic, but I like the spirit and intent of these, especially the idea that when we work on ourselves and take "moral inventory," acting accordingly to make amends and change ourselves, everything else changes, too.
* * *
Fred didn't mean to imply that I'm addicted to anything, just that, as I face major life transitions, some of these are nice to keep in mind.
I like Step 4 especially.
* * *
I work with interesting people some of whom have had problems of all sorts. While the 12 steps don't come up, other spiritual discussions do. There is a philosophy masters holder manager, an army person, a bank worker, aspiring writers and policy makers...There are mothers and sisters and immigrants and creative artistic, spiritual chefs (seriously) and Christians and atheists and agnostics...I'm the only Buddhist (and I consider myself Buddhist-Christian). I have more conversations about God there than I ever did in academia. Tonight, three of us talked about Christianity. I have more discussions about Jefferson and Notes on the State of Virginia (today's talk) or about living according to your higher purpose. It is startling and unexpected and beautiful and interesting. And Erica is a great friend--so full of life and verve and wisdom and light.

Here are the 12 steps. Send them along to someone whose soul they might inspire!
:-)

The 12 Steps

Step 1 - We admitted we were powerless over our addiction - that our lives had become unmanageable
Step 2 - Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity
Step 3 - Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood God
Step 4 - Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves
Step 5 - Admitted to God, to ourselves and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs
Step 6 - Were entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character
Step 7 - Humbly asked God to remove our shortcomings
Step 8 - Made a list of all persons we had harmed, and became willing to make amends to them all
Step 9 - Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others
Step 10 - Continued to take personal inventory and when we were wrong promptly admitted it
Step 11 - Sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God as we understood God, praying only for knowledge of God's will for us and the power to carry that out
Step 12 - Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these steps, we tried to carry this message to other addicts, and to practice these principles in all our affairs

Kellen Loves the School Bus

2009-05-26T23:34:00.002-04:00

He loves to talk about the school bus, to see the school bus, and to measure his world in leagues of school buses.
He does not actually ride one, but they are such a source of joy for this 3 year old boy.
Aidan is a great big brother, quite happy to discuss school buses with Kel.

Maybe I'm the Mess

2009-05-26T09:43:00.011-04:00

Christobel (who I met at the hostel) said that the true war zones are our broken families.
This was not a cheery thought.
Thich might have said something similar. I know Can Nghiem would. She kept trying to give me marital advice back in Plum Village, always telling me the "problem is with the bed." I'll tell you--it's a trip when a buddhist nun tries to give you *that* kind of advice.
:-)
* * *
Life is absurdist theater pulled through the circumference of a lifetime.
* * *
And maybe, on some level, being human means being a mess. Maybe we are all messes on some level, in some way. Maybe if you are not admitting the messiness of being human you are lying to yourself about the State of Being Human.
* * *
Life is strange. A [famous] person I'd long given up on knowing better suddenly decided to follow me on twitter. Another friend was grumpy that I said (on twitter) that he was teaching me about love--even though it wasn't sexual. Another friend--I won't even go into it, just quote Bishop----Even losing you (the joking voice, a gesture
I love) I shan't have lied. It's evident
the art of losing's not too hard to master
though it may look like (Write it!) like disaster."
* * *
And yet, what persists, what slant of light, what small kernel of potential growth...Holly at work says you can't know sun until you've known rain. She gives me hope with her hopeful, rejoicing in the lord personality. She seriously rejoices about Jesus's birth--and it is just so refreshing and inspiring to see her out there about that, just glowing. I celebrate more quietly--UU and Buddhism...both...And then there's Fred, the minister-nurse who, as a friend, quietly celebrates me whole. He's in his 60s, one of my dearest friends. He said yesterday, "Please know that your words are a blessing to me, and I look forward to every one for it is you that touched my life."

* * *
What is my point this morning? That life's always worth living? That you never know what awaits you, what port, what harbor, what strange storm or glimmer. Being with it--breathing it all in--acceptance and remembrance that we are all Part of One Larger Thing. The art of inter-being. "And what I assume you shall assume,
For every atom belonging to me as good belongs to you. ..
I too am not a bit tamed, I too am untranslatable."

Aidanisms

2009-05-25T15:32:00.006-04:00

He is such a delight lately...
Today, he said he agreed with Obama's plan to withdraw troops slowly from Iraq.
What? I thought....
Where did he get that?
Colbert!
It turns out.
The other thing, which felt grown up, was this: "I wonder what it would be like if you were in office?" Aidan asked.
Then he laughed and said, "It would be a law that everyone would get lost all the time."
We both laughed (I am hopeless with directions).
Then I said, "what do you think it really would be like if I were in office?"
And he said, "there'd be peace. Everyone would have food. Everyone would have money."
It was the cutest thing and made me aware--he knows my politics.
Wow.

If you want to Laugh...

2009-05-25T11:05:00.002-04:00

Just watch these guys: the Flight of the Conchords (below).

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mlYkIJVguCU&feature=related

Music, Monday, and Memorial Day

2009-05-25T10:05:00.011-04:00

Today is another opportunity for joy and blessings. I just have to remember and to trust. Last week really taught me to relax, to trust, and to let relationships develop slowly and for people to be who they are, where they are, without any hope of anything other than that Which Is.
* * *
I also want to honor a French musician, Travis Burki, who wins the Sweetest Person in the World award for writing my friend Lissie a song after we were at Plum Village. Lissie has some neurological problems resulting in migraines. She is 18, a talented poet, and one of the most beautiful people I have met.

I think so highly of Travis though I don't know him well...I think his presence is wonderful--very focused and creative and kind. Check out his music and spread the word about him here in the states... You can buy it on Itunes or see him on youtube or various myriad places, myspace, etc...Great stuff.

http://www.myspace.com/travisburki

Open Prayer

2009-05-24T00:28:00.001-04:00

I will
allow nothing
nor anyone,
including myself
to devastate me.
I am
meant
to touch the stars
with feet
on the ground.

An Apology to a Suited Poet Person

2009-05-24T00:12:00.009-04:00

To the Person who Once Described Himself as "suited by day but with a poet's soul:"

I want to send an apology especially for making assumptions based on email and--one, not-so-good Thing.

I could email you this, but that seems intrusive, and since my careless, hyperbolic online words caused harm, I figured online words were needed.

I won't say any more except what a friend at work said to me tonight: You should tell him you are always there for him. If that is true. That is reflective of the energy of *your* spirit. It's true.

My door is always open--and with no expectations or ... ties ... or anything.

To everyone else who has read this far, you may use this poem if you ever want to try to heal something with words.

Apology
May this apology find blessing. May my apology be as an alms bowl, filled and offered like bread and wine. May my apology be a whisper transformed into a feather to lay at your altar. May my words return me to the paradise of the true teachings, of being, of infinite grace. May this apology find a good hearing and sound judgment, a rosemary bough to lay at the feet of you. May this apology be a bluebird against a clear sky; the Mediterranean shimmering in the blue of the morning. May this apology bring you relief as blossoming plums, as figs and oranges, as sunlight bowing to you.

What Made me Behave That Way? (Elbow)

2009-05-23T15:05:00.001-04:00

One Day Like This by Elbow:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hooPU2mdsH4

"What made me behave that way?
Using words I never say
I can only think it must be love
Oh, anyway, it's looking like a beautiful day."

Adjusting...

2009-05-23T12:22:00.004-04:00

After 6 weeks here, I think I'm adjusting.
It's hard not to have lake-mountain energies around...
In Vermont, we used to walk along the waterfront park, bike, or play frisbee then take the train in Burlington down to Shelburne so Aidan could go to the candy store. It took us 3 hours round trip...was heaven.
Here...well...at least we have a candy store...actually two.
We went today; it was still cute.
* * *
We arrived via car.
* * *
I have to buy a car, which makes my heart and soul sink.
I wanted out of the petroleum economy--at least the direct having-to-buy-petrol thing.
* * *
In adjusting, I've met some people; am in touch with good folks at a local university; am working (looking forward to summer school); attended sanga last week; it is all (suburban)but good. I feel as if I stepped on to the set of a brat pack movie but otherwise...

The New York Times Bids Craig Goodbye

2009-05-23T11:01:00.002-04:00

New tears. Good-bye my friend. Sail those waters well.

May 20, 2009, 11:12 am
‘There Will Be No More Poems From Him’
By David Orr
Craig ArnoldAssociated Press/Ausable Press, Amanda Abel Craig Arnold

The poet Craig Arnold, who has been missing since May 2, is presumed dead. His family and friends have been attempting to reclaim his body from a ravine on the volcanic island he’d been exploring; if you’re interested in assisting with this effort, please visit the Facebook group devoted to this effort for updates.

Many people in the poetry world knew Arnold personally, but even those who didn’t will feel the sense of loss that comes from realizing, as the poet C. Dale Young recently put it, “there will be no more poems from him.” Poems are, after all, the way most poets know one another. You see a few lines in a magazine; you get an impression of a sensibility; you feel an obscure connection, or an equally obscure disconnection. In the end, what one poet means to another depends entirely upon what Thom Gunn (to whom Arnold’s final book is dedicated) describes as “the crisp vehemence / of a lifetime reduced to / half a foot of shelf space.”

It would have been good to see Arnold, 41, reach that magical half a foot. But it would also be a mistake to think of him as a writer silenced before his prime. Arnold’s first book, “Shells,” won the Yale Younger Poets Prize (previous winners include John Ashbery and Robert Hass) and is an assured, fully-formed collection. In “Hot,” for example, he uses smartly executed, slant-rhymed couplets to tell the story of a man burned from within by his need for hotter and hotter food. As the poem ends, the man takes the speaker’s hand and

…lifts it to his lip,

presses it for a second, the torn flesh
as soft, as tenuous as ash,

not in the least harsh or rough,
wreck of a mouth, that couldn’t say enough.

However sophisticated we make our dishes, the poem suggests, those embellishments are born of simple craving and can never entirely transcend it. We want heat — and Arnold is a poet of “want,” in both the word’s senses. He’s interested not only in our hunger for consummation, sexual or otherwise, but the lack which causes that hunger and follows each flickering moment of satisfaction.

In his last book, “Made Flesh,” Arnold fully arrives as a writer and makes this theme his own. The collection’s opening (and best) poem, “Incubus,” is a Frostean narrative about a woman who lives with a demon who borrows her body. It’s a gothic set-up, sure, but Arnold tells it in a loose, deadpan pentameter that makes the poem more uncanny than lurid:

How it happens she doesn’t really remember,
drifting off with a vague sense of being
drawn out through a single point of her skin
(a bedsheet threaded through a needle’s eye),
and bundled into a body that must be his.

The body-stealing has benefits for both parties: for the demon, it’s a path to sensation; for his “victim,” it gives “the power to feel another appetite / pass through her, like a shudder, like a cold / lungful of oxygen or hot sweet smoke, / fill her and then be stilled.” It gives her thirst without the limitlessness of thirst. The poem ends:

Now she can stand,
and take the cup out of his giving hand,
and feel what they have learned inside each other
fair and enough, and not without a kind
of satisfaction, that she can put her foot
down, clear to the bottom of desire,
and find that it can stop, and go no further.

This is Arnold writing at his best, which was (and is) very good indeed. His shelf space may be smaller than one would wish, but he earned every bit of it.

I am in Recovery

2009-05-23T00:21:00.001-04:00

from being an Italian Girl.

:-)

"They were strong and they were proud
Some were sweet and some were loud
They'd fill me up with what they'd cook
And put me down with just one look"

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gPaMdRvMr-E&feature=PlayList&p=981AAF3DDAF6AA15&playnext=1&playnext_from=PL&index=22

John Gorka

2009-05-23T00:18:00.001-04:00

A beautiful soul, a beautiful song.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=J0EYLraSz3Q

To Be in Non-Judgment, in Non-Reaction

2009-05-22T23:21:00.002-04:00

That is the path.
I failed at practicing this today. And yesterday.
But perhaps it was not a failure but an opportunity to recognize it and to grow.

Today's Wonderful Thought

2009-05-22T23:01:00.001-04:00

Dear friends, the energy that pushes us to do what we do not want to do, to say what we do not want to say, is called habit energy, the negative habit energy in us. Vasana is the word in Sanskrit. (Sounds of Thay writing on the board.) It is very important that we recognize that energy in us. This energy has been transmitted to us by many generations of ancestors, and we continue to cultivate it. It is very powerful. We are intelligent enough to know that if we do this, if we say that, we will cause damage in our relationship. Yet when the time comes, when we find ourselves in that situation, we say it or we do it, even though we know it will be destructive. Why? Because it’s stronger than we are, we say. It is pushing us all the time. That is why the practice aims at liberating ourselves from that kind of habit energy.

Thich Nhat Hanh, from a dharma talk at Plum Village.

Hooking into the Poet Community

2009-05-22T18:25:00.004-04:00

At a reading by David Keplinger on June 12.
It is being held at Barrelhouse and Smartish Pace.
I met David in Vermont a while back now...when he visited the college where I was teaching.
I still adore his first book. Great Stuff.
The Rose Inside.

Biography

David Keplinger was born in 1968 in Philadelphia and received his MFA in poetry from Penn State University in 1994. His latest book, THE CLEARING, was runner up for the Green Rose Prize for Established Writers at New Issues and is forthcoming in the spring of 2005. His first book, The Rose Inside, was chosen by Mary Oliver for the 1999 T.S. Eliot Prize. He has been awarded grants and fellowships from The National Endowment for the Arts (2003), the Pennsylvania Council on the Arts (2000), the Academy of American Poets (1994), and the Soros Foundation/Open Society Fund (1995-1997). His poems have appeared recently in Poetry, Ploughshares, American Literary Quarterly, Black Warrior Review, Rosebud, Green Mountains Review, Prairie Schooner, Colorado Review, Gettysburg Review, War Literature and the Arts, Virginia Quarterly Review, Mid-American Review, and others, as well as having been anthologized in American Poetry: The Next Generation (Carnegie-Mellon, 2000). From 1995-1997 Keplinger lived and taught in Frydek-Mistek, a small industrial town on the eastern border of the Czech Republic. His position was sponsored by the Soros Foundation/Open Society Fund and the University of Montana. For the last five years he has directed the undergraduate creative writing program at Colorado State University - Pueblo.

We are Going Here in September

2009-05-22T18:07:00.001-04:00

Even Brian.
All of us.
To try to be healed together as ... whatever we are now.

http://www.bluecliffmonastery.org/

Back to Plum Village

2009-05-22T17:42:00.004-04:00

I am making my plans...looks like January for Plum Village...
and maybe I am skipping Dharamsala.
I have friends to see, but mostly I want to keep working on myself.
If I had no children I'd be there now. For a year.
But this works. A month in January, the entire month.
Cara has offered her French home on a winery. She has a small attic room there. I left a whole bunch of clothing in it...
And I get to be near the monastery and temple...I can walk to it from there.
Thank you Cara mia!

Breathing for you, Walking for you

2009-05-22T17:07:00.005-04:00

This morning, a friend, who knew I was having a rough morning, asked me:

"May I walk with you all day today?"

I had forgotten that practice of Thich's--to walk metaphysically with and for another--to practice for him or her.

It was amazing, knowing he was doing that.

And later, I thanked him. But knowing this--the sweetness of it--was just so reassuring. No one has ever practiced for me before.

I like to think I'm practicing for my children, that I'm walking with them. And for my parents--for their peace.
* * *
Here is what Thich says about stress and work, also on my mind today.

Q: How do you maintain mindfulness in a busy work environment? At times it seems there is not even enough time to breathe mindfully.

A: This is not a personal problem only; this is a problem of the whole civilization. That is why we have to practice not only as individuals; we have to practice as a society. We have to make a revolution in the way we organize our society and our daily life, so we will be able to enjoy the work we do every day.

Meanwhile, we can incorporate a number of things that we have learned in this retreat in order to lessen our stress. When you drive around the city and come to a red light or a stop sign, you can just sit back and make use of these twenty or thirty seconds to relax-to breathe in, breathe out, and enjoy arriving in the present moment. There are many things like that we can do. Years ago I was in Montreal on the way to a retreat, and I noticed that the license plates said Je me souviens-"I remember." I did not know what they wanted to remember, but to me it means that I remember to breathe and to smile (laughter). So I told a friend who was driving the car that I had a gift for the sangha in Montreal: every time you see Je me souviens, you remember to breathe and smile and go back to the present moment. Many of our friends in the Montreal sangha have been practicing that for more than ten years.

I think we can enjoy the red light; we can also enjoy the stop sign. Every time we see it we profit: instead of being angry at the red light, of being burned by impatience, we just practice breathing in, breathing out, smiling. That helps a lot. And when you hear the telephone ringing you can consider it to be the sound of the mindfulness bell. You practice telephone meditation. Every time you hear the telephone ringing you stay exactly where you are (laughter). You breathe in and breathe out and enjoy your breathing. Listen, listen-this wonderful sound brings you back to your true home. Then when you hear the second ring you stand up and you go to the telephone with dignity (laughter). That means in the style of walking meditation (laughter). You know that you can afford to do that, because if the other person has something really important to tell you, she will not hang up before the third ring. That is what we call telephone meditation. We use the sound as the bell of mindfulness.

We Must Come to Awareness

2009-05-22T04:17:00.004-04:00

That we can't change others' behaviors and that they often have nothing to do with us.
Snatam Kaur gives me such peace; I am listening to Anand now.
And, as day breaks, I, too, break into peace.

A Poet I Really Like

2009-05-22T01:17:00.001-04:00

Lives here in DC. I loved his first book, met him back in Vermont about oh...many years ago.
And now...
Here we both are.
In DC.
Life is weird.
He just emailed to say that, yes, he would like to connect.

It is 1 a.m. and I Just Met a Woman Who Lives My Dream

2009-05-22T00:58:00.002-04:00

She volunteers in war zones.
I know this is not a normal dream.
But it's mine.
I have kids, so I can't do this.
But maybe, somehow, on some level, I can?
Christobel volunteered in Rwanda and Baghdad...
We exchanged emails...a good connection.
It's strange how life works.
Had my night gone in a different direction, I might not have met her.

I Like This Novel I am Writing

2009-05-21T23:46:00.000-04:00

I wish I could say it was simple and black and white like a soul mate at work who made me believe in myself. But no. It was more like glass shattering suddenly—the way our words became jagged and protracted like a geometrical tool that draws perfectly spherical circles. I felt as if I were going around in circles, but perfectly crafted ones like the ones I had to make in 11th grade, the way that Mr. Keller taught me to do.

I am Especially Happy

2009-05-21T23:39:00.003-04:00

That I love and respect myself.
Tonight, especially, I am Glad that I am Fulfilled in Myself.
Amen.

New Schools

2009-05-21T15:09:00.006-04:00

I am looking into new schools for the fall and realizing that I am an Education Snob.
Some people are wine snobs. I'm an Ed. snob.
I want the boys to be in the Best Situation Ever.
Cambridge was that for Aidan--perfect school, perfect situation. The ed. philosophy was perfectly in line with my pedagogy.
This school, well...It's OK. It's not GREAT.
His teacher this year is not a constructivist like last year.
It's fine.
But...
My heart longs for a Montessori experience for Kellen and something Environmentally and Outdoor Focused for Aidan--or at least constructivist.
Sigh.
The Montessori school is not all day, so that might rule it out for Kel. I talked with the Exec. director today--and the tuition is about $10,000 less per year than Boston.
That is *good.*
But the half day kind of dampens the deal.
* * *
So.
I am back to feeling as if I should give up my career and home school my boys...
I kind of sort of want to start an alternative high school and enroll five lucky kids and Aidan...
And then I could use the city as our classroom while hiring Math and Physics Help.
I can't do those subjects.
But History and English, I can do.
* * *
At the least, I am determined to find a summer camp that Aidan likes. Usually, I'm home in the summers, and we are biking all over town--the three of us at the community garden, the three of us at the library, the three of us going everywhere together like the Aquarium.
This summer, I'm working for the first time in twelve years.
It feels strange...
I feel some pangs about having to put the boys into summer camps.
* * *
Aid will spend four weeks in New England, though, for the first time leaving to be with friends and fam...What will *that* be like? I will miss him...what a big step!

This Morning's Poem

2009-05-21T10:58:00.003-04:00

Azaleas in Alexandria

In Alexandria, the angels
speak in the language of sunshine
beyond the ether
of human misunderstandings,
their eyes the color of harps
if sound could translate into color.

They are the same everywhere
all over the world
in their thousand manifestations
while here you find
yourself wanting
so you stumble metaphysically
through a morning so full of coffee
you feel as if your spirit will float
right out off your body.

All around
the angels are busy putting you
back inside your body,
tending your spirit like feathers
they find on the city streets
littered with forgotten ecstasies
from other eras.

What is available
in this theater of the heart?

Only that to which we are awake.

Store the moments up
string them together
as cranberries on a string.

Because somewhere in Alexandria
you will receive a gift
though it is not the one you expect
or even want:

the sight of azaleas wilding the
antebellum house on Queen Street
giving eyes to beauty
and this is what’s been missing
the beauty of looking
into a mirror and seeing a blossom
in this moment
in this miracle
we call your life.

The Poetry Reading Waiters

2009-05-21T09:26:00.003-04:00

Sometimes I think God has a great sense of humor and just loves to play with me.
Yesterday was like that...
I met a co-worker who was cutting limes for preparatory restaurant work. His name was Frederico. I said to him then, "Lorca" thinking he would think me a bit strange.
Instead he said, "Frederico Garcia Lorca."
I nearly fainted.
OK not really.
But seriously--this was not what I expected.
We then had a lovely poetry chat--and he is better read than most. He knows poets from all over the world--not only the Obvious Ones like Neruda but Pushkin. And Akhmatova. And Paz.
Wow.
Another 20ish waiter overheard us and said he loved Charles Bukowski. OK so that is a bit more predictable, but still.
He then said, "when I was in jail, I read a book a day. I read a book every other day now."
I said, "jail? What were you in jail for?"
"Possession, prostitution, you name it."
I smiled outwardly and inwardly and was reminded of that Eddie Murphy skit "Poets in Jail." This waiter now seems Very Rehabilitated. Super honest and dependable. And now he loves books.
The world is a Strange Place sometimes.
As for Frederico and I, we had a lovely debate about the Wasteland, me making my old point about apocalypse being depressing as hell--and his point that poetry should communicate social pain...I agree--but am sure glad T.S. wasn't my friend.
Can you imagine what hanging out with him was like?
Geez.
Do you think our culture is addicted to fear and loathing? At least in the Wasteland, the fear and loathing is clothed in highly beautiful language.

Alas:

What are the roots that clutch, what branches grow
Out of this stony rubbish? Son of man,
You cannot say, or guess, for you know only
A heap of broken images, where the sun beats,
And the dead tree gives no shelter, the cricket no relief,
And the dry stone no sound of water. Only
There is shadow under this red rock
(Come in under the shadow of this red rock),
And I will show you something different from either
Your shadow at morning striding behind you
Or your shadow at evening rising to meet you;
I will show you fear in a handful of dust.

Words Pile Up like Snow

2009-05-20T09:42:00.001-04:00

When you write a novel.
*If* you are lucky.
I have 8,000 words. I am 1/8 of the way done.
It feels GREAT.
I love this book--for the first time in my life, I love the fiction I'm writing. I always love poetry, but this...
is new.

Blessings and it's not even 9 a.m.

2009-05-19T09:03:00.004-04:00

Today started badly.
Brian was rushing and stressing over having to meet an internet person from the British Embassy (early meeting). I don't want to say anything bad about Brian ever on this blog...It was a stressful situation. I couldn't help him because I don't have a car yet. I couldn't just take the kids for him, which I so wanted to do--to help.
* * *
He dropped me at that silly Richmond highway bridge, which I dislike so, and I began walking across, a tedious prospect actually.
Walking there is not technically illegal but probably should be.
It's fine if I am careful. I am very very careful. No skateboarding on that part of this highway. No skating on that highway. Period. Just on the sidewalks of that highway.
* * *
A nice man slowed his car and told me to jump in, so I did.
His name was Benito, and he came to America 15 years ago. Now he owns his own painting company. He asked if I would teach his workers English. I'm looking for a volunteer job, so I said "yes."
He said, "I am so pleased I met you!"
It was sweet...he being in his late 50s; it was just a nice human connection moment.
* * *
I then called my best friend from high school's mom to work out something Very Bad that happened in January.
She just sent me love unconditionally. Lots and lots of it.
She just said, "you are so special Linda. We love you so much."
I just sent love back to her, and the moment was so comforting, life affirming, and richly human.
Forgiveness and love. Unconditional love.
I told her, "Out of all this, I've grown even closer to you--who I consider my second family."
She was so happy. I was so happy...Happiness abounding.
* * *
I then realized (at the coffee shop) that I had forgotten my keyboard (Kel spilled water on my laptop), so I began searching Old Town for one to buy. There are no computer stores here, but I saw a man hurrying with computer gear in hand.
I politely stopped him and asked him, "Good morning, sorry to disturb you, but where'd you get that stuff?"
:-)
He smiled...and said, "there is nowhere in Old Town to buy computer stuff. What do you need?"
I explained that I'd left my keyboard in the car.
He said, "I have about a hundred in my office. I will go get one. Wait here..."
I tried to buy him a cup of joe, but he was in a rush, so he took my number and said, "now you owe me."
We both laughed; it was...absurd and a blessing.
I get to write 1,000 words this morning after all.
Thanks universe!

A Restaurant Job

2009-05-18T23:58:00.006-04:00

Is easy. Need I say more?

Giving Thanks for Old Friends

2009-05-18T10:04:00.003-04:00

Here is to re-connecting with old friends...
I have been in touch with people I haven't talked to in a long time, and that feels good.
Greg was one of my two best friends from grad school...We lost touch three years ago.
And now...
he'll likely visit me in the summer. He always visited us in the summer, mostly in Vermont...
It's great to be in touch again.
A poet,he lives and teaches in Texas, in a part where "there are no restaurants or museums or..."
I can't imagine living in a town where you can't get Thai.
One more reason for him to get a DC infusion of culture!
:-)

The Reading Project

2009-05-17T22:17:00.002-04:00

This weekend we had a funny visit to the library, where Kellen entertains everyone and acts very excited about everything.
It's always that way--exuberant and also a little challenging. I can't browse one stack...Going to the library with him is like being in a candy store and not being able to eat any of it.
* * *
But we laughed a lot and Aidan took out a dozen books, which he'll blast through by next week...
Aidan's interest in the classics continues. "I've been wanting to check out this Shakespeare," he told me.
"This Shakespeare"--to hear him say that sent me over the moon.
"What is Hamlet about?" he asked when we looked on the computer to see what was available...
"Well now that you ask..." the professor mommy in me couldn't resist...
It was GREAT.
He is reading Hamlet instead of MacBeth. Interesting. I'd have thought he'd go for MacBeth--more action, less psychological. We'll see how far he gets...but go Aidan!

Sanga, Washington DC

2009-05-17T22:09:00.003-04:00

Tonight was lovely...
I finally made it to the sanga in DC, where the practice is meditation for an hour followed by dharma sharing, singing, and reading aloud.
Here is the song we sang:

In gratitude, you have watered seeds of love in me--in gratitude
In gratitude, I will water seeds of love in someone too...
I know you're there for me and I am so happy.
In gratitude, you have watered seeds of love in me--in gratitude
In gratitude, I will water seeds of love in someone too...
And when you suffer some, please call and I will come.

I love this song; it is beautiful and lovely to sing. I love that last line; is that not what true friendship is about? Please call, and I will come.

Dharma discussion was nice; people were mostly sharing their practice of mindfulness, its joys and challenges. I shared that it felt nice to be back among other people practicing mindfulness again. The energy in the room is the energy I want to live my life from--aware and joyful, present and happy.

Summer Showcase

2009-05-17T00:44:00.004-04:00

Maybe the Poem I am Writing

2009-05-15T14:35:00.003-04:00

Maybe the poem I am writing is the one I’ve been waiting my whole life to write. Maybe the poem I am writing is made up of strings of days and hours, with birds and flowers as the metaphors and symbols. Maybe all of the life we spend weaves itself into a poem by the end.

Wonderful Advice

2009-05-15T14:05:00.002-04:00

Brian said this to me today:

Remember that drama and passion are different and try to be aware of where the line is. If you are in drama, avoid it. If you are in passion, embrace it.

Amazing! And true.

I am a Dream Kingdom

2009-05-15T13:05:00.003-04:00

My friend said to me.
Imagine.
How amazing is it to be called such a thing?

When I Dream

2009-05-15T12:11:00.009-04:00

Lately, I dream of Plum Village.
Brigette comes back in a couple of months, and I am looking forward to that...She said to me after a walk where she held my hand like a sister, "you were a mirror for me and me for you."
How can I explain the deep magic and peace of the place...
It is a place where people hold hands to show love--and not romantic love.
It is a place where a nun might take your hand and skip.
It is a place where the stars are larger, and the moon brighter.
A place where the tea tastes like open fields and where Thich's loving presence shows itself in the long grass and wildflowers, which are celebrated instead of mowed all the time.
It's that kind of place.

Ps--The picture of the monk bending down is Thich.

Moving to Old Town

2009-05-15T11:52:00.005-04:00

I seem to have found a cool like-minded person with whom to share a house in Old Town.
All is settling.
I've chosen a Subaru Legacy but am in no rush to find the right one. Just that it be old. I am probably one of the few for whom age is an issue--and I want older not younger.
:-)
Last fall I tried to go green on Everything including transportation, thus giving up my car.
I am managing to keep clothing choices mostly green though I bought shoes from a non-green company recently. I am still trying to visit thrift stores ... I'll fall down on jewelry (since mine disappeared in the split up) and buy silver from a store here...Other than that, I think I am moving in the right direction.
Plusses:
Food = organic.
Clothing = thrift stores and thus green.
Water carried in Sigg bottle.
Restaurants = green when I can find them...

Where I fall Down:
Books = I love book stores
Coffee = I frequent places with free wi-fi
Technology = not so green
Car = And now I will soon have a car to ferry the kids...You need a car here--too many highways and suburban scapes
Flights = I like to travel

Thus, my score card is tipping in the non-green direction. Maybe I can buy used books, find a place that has fair trade coffee to frequent, and keep the car usage low...

What I Most Love...

2009-05-14T22:17:00.005-04:00

Thich Nhat Hanh's teachings on love

2009-05-14T21:35:00.006-04:00

These, and the teachings on anger, really turned the relationship with Brian around--into a friendship again. Amazing stuff. I am incredibly happy about this--as if I found a key...Someone at Plum Village said to me, "may you find the key to happiness through these teachings." When you actually practice, a path *is* there.

From Teachings on Love by Thich Nhat Hanh

Self-Love

This is a love meditation adapted from the Visuddhimagga:

May I be peaceful, happy and light in body and spirit.
May he/she be peaceful, happy and light in body and spirit.
May they be peaceful, happy and light in body and spirit.

May I be safe and free from injury.
May he/she be safe and free from injury.
May they be safe and free from injury.

May I be free from anger, afflictions, fear and anxiety.
May he/she be free from anger, afflictions, fear and anxiety.
May they be free from anger, afflictions, fear and anxiety.

We begin practicing this love meditation on ourselves (I). Until we are able to love and take care of ourselves, we cannot be of much help to others. After that we can practice on others (he/she, they) first on someone we like, then on someone neutral to us, then someone we love, then someone the mere thought of whom makes us suffer.

We begin this practice by looking deeply into the skandha of form, which is our body. According to the Buddha, a human being is made of five skandhas (elements, heaps or aggregates): form, feelings, perceptions, mental formations and consciousness. We are the king, and these elements are our territory. To know the real situations within ourselves, we have to survey our own territory thoroughly, including the elements within us that are at war with each other. To bring about harmony, reconciliation, and healing within, we have to understand ourselves. Looking and listening deeply, surveying our territory, is the beginning of love meditation.

We begin by asking, How is my body in this moment? How was it in the past? How will it be in the future? Later, when we meditate on someone we like, someone neutral to us, someone we love and someone we hate, we also begin by looking at her physical aspects. Breathing in and out, we visualize her face; her way of walking, sitting and talking; her heart, lungs kidneys and all the organs in her body, taking as much time as we need to bring these details into awareness. But we always start with ourselves. When we see our own five skandhas clearly, understanding and love arise naturally, and we know what to do and what not to do to take better care of ourselves.

We look into our body to see whether it is at peace or suffering from illness. We look at the condition of our lungs, our heart our intestines, our kidneys, our liver, to see what the real needs of our body are. When we do, we will eat, drink and act in ways that demonstrate our love and our compassion for our body. Usually we just follow ingrained habits. But when we look deeply, we see that many of these habits harm our body and mind, so we work to transform these habits into ways conducive to good health and vitality.

Next we observe our feelingswhether they are pleasant, unpleasant or neutral. Feelings flow in us like a river, and each feeling is a drop in that river. We look into the river of our feelings and see how each feeling came to be. We see what has been preventing us from being happy, and we do our best to prevent those things. We practice the wondrous, refreshing and healing elements that are within us and in the world. Doing so, we become stronger and better able to love ourselves and others. Are you sure? Then we meditate on our perceptions. The Buddha observed, The person who suffers most in this world is the person with many wrong perceptions.... And most of our perceptions are erroneous. We see a snake in the dark and we panic, but when our friend shines a light on it, we see that it is only a rope. We have to know which wrong perceptions cause us to suffer. Please calligraph the sentence, Are you sure? on a piece of paper and tape it to your wall. Love meditation helps us to learn to look with clarity and serenity in order to improve the way we perceive.

Next we observe our mental formations, the ideas and tendencies within us that lead us to speak and act as we do. We practice looking deeply to discover the true nature of our mental formations how we are influenced by our individual consciousness and also by the collective consciousness of our family, ancestors and society. Unwholesome mental formations cause so much disturbance; wholesome mental formations bring about love, happiness and liberation.

Finally we look at our consciousness. According to Buddhism, consciousness is like a field with every possible seed in it seeds of love, compassion, joy and equanimity; seeds of anger, fear, and anxiety; and seeds of mindfulness. Consciousness is the storehouse that contains all these seeds, all possibilities that might arise in our mind. When our mind is not at peace, it may be because of the desires and feelings in our store consciousness. To live in peace we have to be aware of our tendencies our habit energies so we can exercise some self-control. This is the practice of preventative health care. We look deeply into the nature of our feelings to find their roots, to see which feelings need to be transformed, and we nourish those feelings that bring about peace joy and well-being.

Is there anyone who loves you as much as yourself? One day King Prasenajit of Koshala asked Queen Mallika, My dear wife, is there anyone who loves you as much as yourself? The Queen laughed and responded, My dear husband is there anyone who loves you more than you love yourself? The next day they told the Buddha of their conversation and he said You are correct. There is no one in the universe more dear to us than ourselves. The mind may travel in a thousand directions, but it will find no one else more beloved. The moment you see how important it is to love yourself, you will stop making others suffer.

King Prasenajit and the Buddha became close friends. One day, while they were sitting together in the Jeta Grove, the king said to the Buddha, Master, there are people who think they love themselves, but who harm themselves by their thoughts, words and deeds. These people are their own worst enemy. The Buddha agreed. Those who harm themselves through their thoughts, words or actions are indeed their own worst enemies. They only bring themselves suffering. We usually think our suffering is caused by othersour parents, our partner, our enemies. But out of our forgetfulness, anger or jealousy, we say or do things that create suffering for ourselves and others. Another time the Buddha told King Prasenajit, People usually think they love themselves. But because they are not mindful, they say and do things that create their own suffering. When we see that this is true we will stop blaming others as the cause our suffering. Instead, we will try to love and care for ourselves and nourish our own body and mind.

To practice this love meditation from the Visuddhimagga, sit still, calm your body and your breathing, and recite, May I be peaceful, happy and light in body and spirit. May I be safe and free from injury. May I be free from anger, afflictions, fear and anxiety. The sitting position is a wonderful position for practicing this. Sitting still we are not too preoccupied with other matters, so we can look deeply at ourselves as we are, cultivate our love for ourselves, and determine the best ways to express this love in the world.

The practice begins with an aspiration: May I be.... Then we transcend the level of aspiration and look deeply at all the positive and negative characteristics of the object of our meditation, in this case, ourselves. The willingness to love is not yet love. We look deeply, with all our being, in order to understand. We don't just repeat the words, or imitate others, or strive after some ideal. The practice of love meditation is not auto-suggestion. We don't just say, I love myself. I love all beings. We look deeply at our body, our feelings, our perceptions, our mental formations, and our consciousness, and in just a few weeks, our aspiration to love will become a deep intention. Love will enter our thoughts, our words, and our actions, and we will notice that we have become peaceful, happy and light in body and spirit: safe and free from injury; and free from anger, afflictions, fear and anxiety.

When you practice, observe how much peace, and lightness you already have. Notice whether you are anxious about accidents or misfortunes, and how much your anger, irritation, fear, anxiety or worry are already in you, your self-understanding will deepen. You will see how your fears and lack of peace contribute to your unhappiness, and you will see the value of loving yourself and cultivating a heart of compassion. instead of living with some generalized fear of accidents, observe the ways you injure yourself all the time, and take appropriate actions to minimize illness and injury.

Look deeply, not just while you are on your meditation cushion but wherever you are, whatever you are doing. Living mindfully is the best way to prevent accidents and protect yourself. Recognize your deep desire to live in peace and safety, to have the support you need, and to practice the mindfulness. You might like to write down some of your observations and insights. The Buddha said that once we realize that we are the closest and most precious person on Earth to ourselves, we will stop treating ourselves as an enemy. This practice dissolves in us any wish we might have to harm ourselves or others.

May I be free from anger, afflictions, fear and anxiety. Anger is a hazard that affects everyone, including ourselves. When we are overcome by anger, our peace and happiness vanish. Some people's lives are consumed by anger. They become furious when someone just bumps into them. Is this because of the circumstances or because of the seeds of anger in them? Look deeply at the seeds of anger in yourself; look deeply at those you think have brought you harm. Love meditation helps understand both, and it helps us let go of our habitual patterns of thought and action that create more suffering. We see that the person who has harmed us is himself suffering very much. Contemplating his suffering generates understanding and love in us, and with these energies, healing is possible. When our heart is opened, our suffering is diminished right away. The practice of love meditation liberates us from our afflictions.

A Brahman asked the Buddha, Master, is there anything you would agree to kill? and the Buddha answered Yes, anger. Killing anger removes suffering and brings about peace and happiness. Anger is the single enemy that all the wise ones agree to kill. The Buddha's response impressed him, and he became a monk in the Buddha's Sangha. When the man's cousin learned that he had become a monk, he cursed the Buddha to his face. The Buddha only smiled. The man became even more incensed and asked, Why don't you respond? The Buddha replied If someone refuses a gift it must be taken back by the one who offered it. Angry words and actions hurt, first of all, oneself. After that the Buddha recited this verse:

For those with no anger,
how can anger arise?
When you practice deep looking and master yourself,
you dwell in peace, freedom, and safety.
The one who offends another
after being offended by him,
harms himself and harms the other.
When you feel hurt
but do not hurt the other,
you are truly victorious.
Your practice and your victory benefit both of you.
When you understand the roots of anger in yourself and in the other,
your mind will enjoy true peace , joy and lightness.
You become the doctor who heals himself and heals the other.
If you don't understand,
you will think not getting angry to be the act of a fool.

Those with no anger means people who have no seeds of anger in their store consciousness. We get angry, first of all, because of the seeds of anger we carry within, seeds that may have been transmitted by our parents and our society. Even a small irritation can bring that anger to the surface. A person without seeds of anger can smile no matter what is said to him.

When you practice deep looking and master yourself, you dwell in peace freedom and safety. People who are able to exercise self-control are not drawn into the cycle of anger. The insight they have gained through looking deeply protects their mind and body. Looking deeply is the practice of love, compassion, joy and equanimity.

The one who offends another after being offended by him, harms himself and harms the other. When someone shouts at you, if you shout back you suffer, the other person suffers, and the anger continues to escalate. Avoid such actions. They only harm both sides.

When you feel hurt but do not hurt the other you are truly victorious. Your practice and your victory benefit both of you. When you get hurt, hurting the other person will only cause the suffering to continue. Practice mindful breathing and you will create a win-win situation for both sides.

To love is first of all to accept yourself as you actually are When you understand the roots of anger in yourself and in the other, your mind will enjoy true peace, joy and and lightness. Looking deeply, you see that the other person is angry because of her lack of mindfulness, her wrong understanding, or the seeds of anger transmitted by her parents, ancestors or society. This understanding will bring you peace, joy and freedom right away.

You become the doctor who heals himself and heals the other. When someone shout at you angrily and you respond by smiling, without anger, that person may slowly begin to understand and eventually transform his anger. You heal your illness and that of others, like a great physician.

If you don't understand, you will think not getting angry to be the act of a fool. They may say fight back! Don't let yourself be talked to like that! But they do not yet understand this deep teaching of the Buddha. When you feel anger arising, remember to return your too your breathing and follow it. The other person may see that you are practicing and she may even apologize. It can be beneficial to memorize this verse.

We pray that our daily lives will be free from hazards and injuries. We hope that anger will not arise. But if it does arise, we know how to deal with it. In this love meditation from the Visuddhimagga, anger, afflictions, fear and anxiety refer to all the unwholesome states of mind that dwell in us and rob us of our peace and happiness. Anger, fear, anxiety, craving, greed and ignorance are the great afflictions of our time. By practicing mindful living, we are able to deal with them, and our love is translated into effective action.

Practice looking deeply all day long during sitting meditation, walking meditation, at work and at home. When you do, you will discover the true nature of the five skandhas form, feelings, perceptions, mental formations and consciousness. You will see the conditions that have caused you to be the way you are, and this makes it very easy for you to accept yourself your suffering and your happiness at the same time. To love is first of all to accept yourself as you actually are. Knowing thyself is the first practice of love.

Feeling Super Lucky

2009-05-14T21:09:00.005-04:00

Isn't life odd?
Brian and I are finally happy.
We are friends; we co-parent; we listen to each other...
We are really good pals now.
There is still love there; it's just changed into pal love.
After the tumult of last year (yes tumult), this is especially a miracle.
Neither of us is angry.
We're just feeling ... happy.
No there's no chance of reconciliation...but we are both feeling free and supported at the same time.
We agree on everything; we have a route to a fall date for finalization...
How lucky I feel...
I think we are the exception not the rule.

If You Haven't Seen This

2009-05-14T19:30:00.005-04:00

It is wonderful.

The last lecture by Randy Pausch. Very inspiring and moving!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ji5_MqicxSo

A Variety of Voices--a poem by Thich Nhat Hanh

2009-05-14T10:48:00.000-04:00

I've placed a diverse selection of poems online today...I love the last line of the Cummings poem, and the Johnson poem takes my breath away with its insistence on form (the sonnet) married to an urban kind of modernism.

Enjoy!

You Are Me

You are me and I am you.
It is obvious that we are inter-are.
You cultivate the flower in
yourself so that I will be beautiful.
I transform the garbage in myself so
that you do not have to suffer.
I support you you support me.
I am here to bring you peace
you are here to bring me joy.

--Thich Nhat Hanh

A Poem by ee Cummings

2009-05-14T10:44:00.000-04:00

Because life is not a paragraph.

e.e. cummings

since feeling is first
who pays any attention
to the syntax of things
will never wholly kiss you;
wholly to be a fool
while Spring is in the world

my blood approves,
and kisses are a better fate
than wisdom
lady i swear by all flowers. Don't cry
--the best gesture of my brain is less than
your eyelids' flutter which says

we are for each other: then
laugh, leaning back in my arms
for life's not a paragraph

A Poem by Denis Johnson

2009-05-14T10:36:00.001-04:00

This sonnet is pure genius. I did not know it was a sonnet for a long time. Johnson hides the form that craftily.

SWAY

Since I find you will no longer love,
from bar to bar in terror I shall
move, past Forty-third and Halstead, Twenty-fourth
and Roosevelt where fire-gutted cars,
their bones the bones of coyote and hyena,
suffer the light from the wrestling arena
To fall all over them. And what they say
blends in the tarantellasmic sway
of all of us between the two of these:
harmony and divergence,
their sad story of harmony and divergence,
the story that begins:
I did not know who she was
and ends I did not know who she was.

Revision, Re-vision, Re-visioning

2009-05-14T00:56:00.009-04:00

I wrote this poem this morning, was happy with it, and then came home and read it again.
Sadly, part of the rough draft of this poem was just not right...I had to cut and tinker.
For example, in the rough draft, I wrote, "I hope you find yourself."
However, I didn't want to say that because the people I wrote this poem for already have found themselves.
I meant to say, "I hope you find yourself (located) beyond the field of desire."
*That* is what I wanted. I think the poem is slightly better now.
I have to write poems in the morning for the kiddos...
And one for a poetic-lawyer person...
That makes three. Count 'em: three. Sigh!
Bed-time now.
* * *

Out Beyond

I hope you find
a day of cumulus
when every smile
on the street finds
its way into your eyes.

Make no mistake: you
walking in that big city
with its low buildings
and passing cars; see
the orchid in the Chinese restaurant
window where the fish
propel themselves into color
beyond color
where everything is green

that place where I hope you
find yourself located
beyond every field
of desire

where our non-human elements
show themselves clearly,
now a chrysanthemum, now a blue sky
now the expanse of waters
out beyond the sight of land.

Intro. to Modern Fiction

2009-05-14T00:09:00.004-04:00

I am teaching this course online in the fall through SUNY Plattsburgh, where I used to teach full time.
Any ideas for which fiction to include? I usually teach poetry...so this is a little new. I love modernism though, so it should be relatively enjoyable...
Very enjoyable.
Ideas?
Who would you want to read? If there were an organizing theme to the course, what would you want it to be? Of course, I have to teach modernism...as a movement...and reaction to WW One...but what else? (Past themes have been peace education related mostly for me).

An Interesting Observation

2009-05-14T00:02:00.002-04:00

Although I miss my classroom, I am much more creative when waitressing than teaching.
I have 4,000 words of the novel (700 new today) and a new poem.
Not bad for having pulled a double.

I Missed my Classroom Today

2009-05-13T23:46:00.006-04:00

All right, today is the first time I really missed my classroom.
I mean actively felt that pull of wanting to be there again.
I taught online toward the end of the fall, which felt a bit like being off part time since I didn't have committee work or department meetings--all of the things that make my work life busy.
* * *
Leaving mid-year was tough, but my work was super supportive of me the whole way. I had no choice but to follow Brian to DC.
* * *
Tonight, though, during my first real shift at this summer job, I felt the pull of the classroom, remembered my first lecture in the spring--on modernism and postmodernism--on how good it felt even in the midst of some personal issues. I remembered how much I love talking about poetry and teaching all subjects from writing to intro. lit.
* * *
Why I love to teach:
*I enjoy watching my students grow and being a part of their explorations as they gain strength in analyzing and reading.
*I enjoy the interactions with students as we grow together--all of us co-creating a good learning environment.
*I enjoy talking about my subject matter. I'm passionate about it.
*I enjoy listening.
*I enjoy seeing their creativity put into play in their assignments and daily work.
*I enjoy inspiring them to do better than they think they can, to care.
*I enjoy new methods--employing them, dreaming them, being them.
* * *
My former student Ivan and I are going to be working on a textbook proposal this fall, one that includes Thich's teachings and applies them to the high school classroom along with including chapters on new assessment and ELA methods. It should be good to dream that together with him; he is the most talented student I ever did have. He could be a leader in Ed. policy someday, and I don't say that lightly.
* * *
Finally, it was fun to be at the restaurant though it's been almost two decades since I waitressed. I met a fellow server/crime-writer, crime-fanatic who is related to Lizzie Borden (I am not making this up) and who is interested in all serial killer related subject matter (not my thing but OK). She's actually turning into a good friend. It's nice to have another writer to talk to. The others there are super nice--hard working, good folks. It's nice to meet people from all walks of life...and to be on my feet and moving around. But I do miss my classroom...I can't wait to get into the inner (sort of) city in June.

What the Plum Village monk said...

2009-05-13T09:07:00.004-04:00

It is good that the monk from Plum Village wrote me (after I wrote him), but I feel a bit that I am pulling him from Important Monk Biz., namely ... saving the world through meditation. OK *that* is hyperbole.

But it's kind of true in that the monks see themselves as working for the energetic benefit of the world. Changing yourself changes the world. Being peace creates more peace in the world. I do believe that everything is connected--so this principle is true.

One thing that he said to me when I went to talk to him the first time (where he was sitting under a pine tree with chickadees in it) was that seeking connection with your environment and those in it = good. He said that he had missed out on opportunities because he held back. I guess, then, I should have talked more to Thich when I had the chance, but I was just so awed by his presence that I felt that was enough. It is humbling and fulfilling and inspiring just to sit *near* him...Thich embodies such peace.

* * *
Anyway, this monk also said this in his email (below)...about the self:

"Form is one of the five aggregates that collectively
form what we call a 'self'. There is form, feeling, perception,
mental formations, and consciousness. With these five we say "I" and
"me" and believe this to be a truth and is actually the root cause of
all our problems. Thay says this belief is called "Manas" and it
arises from our store consciousness. Form is related to this body,
our body, a body we call 'mine' also of phenomena, other bodies and
forms. We hold this body, our body, to be separate from other things
or other phenomena. We feel there is a separate body and a separate
body that is "me". This idea of 'me' and mine in relation to this
body is specified in "Form is emptiness and emptiness is form..." We
also have the idea of other based on this idea of me. This is saying
simply that there is no separate body or form that can actually be
identified. There is no separate self."

I am trying to grasp this idea, rooted in the teaching that emptiness is form and form is emptiness. That means that we are all connected; there is no separate self...We are all reflections of each other in some ways--all of us just drops in the river of the collective. And yet, we *are* selves, too, in the western concept, so I start to fall down around this.

Help me out--What are your thoughts about this idea of the "separate self" not existing?

What I am Aiming For Today

2009-05-13T08:44:00.005-04:00

A Star without a Name

When a baby is taken from the wet nurse,
it easily forgets her
and starts eating solid food.

Seeds feed awhile on ground,
then lift up into the sun.

So you should taste the filtered light
and work your way toward wisdom
with no personal covering.

That's how you came here, like a star
without a name. Move across the night sky
with those anonymous lights.

(Mathnawi III, 1284-1288)

Out Beyond

2009-05-12T23:46:00.002-04:00

Out beyond ideas of wrongdoing and rightdoing,
there is a field. I’ll meet you there.

When the soul lies down in that grass,
the world is too full to talk about.
Ideas, language, even the phrase “each other” doesn’t make any sense.

-Rumi
(13th century)

A Concert, Writing Again

2009-05-12T18:26:00.004-04:00

After a week off, I am cranking on the new novel. Found a new subject matter and better voice. There are several voices in the book, all intersecting with Americana, poetry, songs, and texts. It's interesting.

Hopefully I can collapse all this into a book proposal that Tim Fish can sign on to, too, my friend who is a comic book artist. I am dying to work with him. That is, *if* he likes the material and if he has time. Shall see. We went to high school together. He's a talented, great guy.

I wrote 3,000 words this morning. That felt *good.*

I am back at Brian's house now for a wonderful night with the boys...lovely! Kellen is full of life and love. We are celebrating my silly new job, which I start tomorrow on the floor, my own tables. I'm still job hunting; two new teaching jobs popped up today; something will come through.

And I found out tonight that I have Thursday and Fridays off. For the whole summer. This Friday, it's Sweet Honey in The Rock here at the Birchmere. Life is good.

Simple Joys, the Kids

2009-05-12T12:14:00.000-04:00

Aidan has been reading some inspiring literature lately. He read Moby Dick, the Odyssey, and just started Arabian Nights.
It is a rush to watch him diving into these classics.
I'm reading Moby Dick, now, too.
It's amazing. I'd forgotten how amazing.
My dear friend said it was his first love, this book.
I can see why.

Summer destination

2009-05-12T09:25:00.001-04:00

http://www.dnr.state.md.us/PublicLands/Eastern/Assateague.html

The Important Stuff

2009-05-12T09:09:00.000-04:00

If we as members of the human race practice meditation, we can transcend our fear, despair, and forgetfulness. Meditation is not an escape. It is the courage to look at reality with mindfulness and concentration. Meditation is essential for our survival, our peace, our protection.

– from The World We Have

by Zen Master Thich Nhat Hanh

And Ani made me Think of Chris

2009-05-12T08:41:00.004-04:00

An amazing storyteller, one of Donna's friends, Chris Chandler.

This is Not a Folk Song.

I love his work.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AtZxic0gJlo

"We swapped stories
and wasted the hours--"

Ani Difranco

2009-05-12T08:36:00.003-04:00

She still rocks.
I'm listening to her right now...
One of my friends is acting very Napolean right now...
This is how I decided to deal with it: listen to a song.

"You had an army of suits behind you...
And I hope that you are happy
I hope at least that you are having fun."

Enjoy.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=P8giuKr-ebI&feature=PlayList&p=AC518EDA9FCF7DAD&playnext=1&playnext_from=PL&index=58

A Short Short

2009-05-11T23:08:00.008-04:00

Let me know what you think. A dear friend has been emailing me inspiring quotes all day...Hemingway won the cake: 'Then there was the smell of heather crushed and the roughness of the bent stalks under her head and the sun bright on her closed eyes . . . and for her everything was red, orange, gold-red from the sun on the closed eyes. . . . For him it was a dark passage which led to nowhere, then to nowhere, then again to nowhere, once again to nowhere, always and forever to nowhere, heavy on the elbows in the earth to nowhere . . . now beyond all bearing up, up, up and into nowhere, suddenly, scaldingly, holdingly all nowhere gone and time absolutely still and they were both there, time having stopped and he felt the earth move out and away from under them."
If that isn't humbling, what is? :-) I echo the passage below...intentionally. I would love feedback.

Pluto

Fayvor Hastings checked his watch, 11:30 a.m., the exact moment that he was married 10 years earlier.
He tried to forget about what he’d seen yesterday, the way his wife had looked at the gardener, as if she were on another planet, as if she were on Pluto.
She had looked at the man with love.
It had bothered Fayvor, bothered him the way that a song does when it reaches down into your heart and plucks out the chords that you most want to ignore.
It had bothered him the way his best friend had when he’d won the spelling bee in fourth grade, when Fayvor had lost.
It bothered him the way holding his first girl had bothered him—not at the time but later, later when they were too embarrassed to meet again.
It bothered him the way impossible language bothered him, his inability to say sorry or I love you or a thousand thousand things.
Fayvor Hastings checked his watch. The computer blinked at him; the fax whirred; his wife’s high heels clicked on the cold black and white tile of the kitchen floor.
He tried to forget about the way she held out the glass to him now, held it out abruptly, without pleasure. It was like the opposite of heather and bent stalks, the opposite of color. He remembered the first time he touched her, how the tourists had melted away as she pressed her lips against his neck over wine in a park, how she had grazed him with her lips before she should have, when they were still strangers.
What gets lost in a life, what distant loves, what planets? On another continent in 1930, a young girl told her grandfather to name a newly discovered planet Pluto. It was March. With spring soon coming, Venetia Phair’s thoughts turned to the underworld. To Roman Gods. Thus Pluto was born.
Fayvor played with the wedding ring on his finger. White gold. Inscribed, “love eternally.” The high heels clicked. The wind outside found out the trees, moved the oaks with purpose and direction. It was now noon.
Outside, their gardener paused under the trees, glancing back at the house. Even as he spoke, an astronomer was downgrading Pluto from a planet to a dwarf planet. The plates were shifting underfoot; the earth was shaking somewhere in China; the memory of a tsunami was playing over in a girl’s mind in Myanamar.
Somewhere in every life, there is at least one crush of sky when the light finds you out and calls to you of some forgotten dream of baseball won at dusk while bats cartwheel overhead, while your first love sleeps in some distant bed, and you can’t stop thinking of the way she moved her neck, the slant of her hand holding the chalk to do the math problem.
The wind died down, and the gardener started his Toyota, started it and drove away. His wife kicked off her heels, left them careless and upturned, capsized on the carpet. Barefooted, she turned toward Fayvor while the sky began to spit rain, rain that had been threatening all day.
Fayvor unsliced his heart, gathering it into a whole beating thing and stepped toward her with wavering steps like new wheat in wind. She unreeled the spooled colors of her unspoken promises, all those greens and blues, all those grays, and opened her arms for him to step into.
“It’s late to plant peas,” she said simply.
Time whirred; the rain stopped.
His heart sewn safely shut, he faced her then. Took her into his arms. Tried to hold her. Time whirred.
“Yes,” he said simply.
“Yes,” she echoed while the sky drew into itself and flew off, while somewhere in time a young girl went about naming a planet. Where somewhere someone walked surefooted toward the moon.

Honoring the Sadness

2009-05-11T22:33:00.003-04:00

Thich says we should honor our sadness if it comes up, to just sit with it, acknowledge it, let it be.
I'm still sad about Craig, about Robin losing a dad, about all of us losing an important poet.
Charlotte said he could be maddening, and he could, but always in a good way. Always in a way that made you think and challenged your assumptions about love and life.
I'm trying not to dwell on his being gone, but such a loss leaves you gasping when it's so unexpected, when one moment he is living life to the fullest, following his dreams of exploration--and the next he's just gone.
I am seeing my sadness show up in my fiction and poetry, noting it. Allowing it. Accepting it, I guess.